Scared Sad: An Exploration of the Relationship Between Fear & Empathy.

Anecdotally, I’d felt it. That shooting pain, a stabbing feeling in the chest. Just after a friend shared their story.

“I had to put my cat down yesterday.” “My dad’s really not doing well.” “I was just laid off… again.”

Fear. Stronger than anything else I was feeling as these vulnerabilities were shared. I could feel my own connections — to my pets, my loved ones, and my career — and the potential of losing any one of those caused an immense amount of grief. But these were my friends’ stories, not my own. Why was I feeling such difficult emotions about them, and so strongly?

Abigail Marsh, a Psychology professor at Georgetown University, says that fear may be one of the most important factors impacting our ability to relate to those around us. In a study published in 2021, she described the experience of a patient with a rare genetic disorder resulting in the loss of their amygdala. The amygdala, an almond-shaped region located deep in the center of the human brain, is largely in charge of our fear response, including physiological reactions like “fight” or “flight”.

This patient, who was left unable to experience fear, also struggled to anticipate when others might experience that emotion. This impediment directly impacted their ability to understand and respond appropriately to situations causing others to feel afraid. This case study highlights the relationship between fear and empathy. When our ability to feel fear is diminished, it seems that so too is our ability to empathize with the fear of others.

Interestingly, the reverse may also be true. A large breadth of research in political and social psychology has shown that when members of an in-group are able to more strongly empathize with members of an out-group, any feelings of fear toward those “others” may be lessened. This principle has shown up in group dynamics, race and class disputes, and global conflict resolution tactics. In other words, when humans are taught to empathize more, we feel less fear.

The difference between these two scenarios is the lever being pulled — at which point the mechanism of fear is triggered. In the first example, where others’ fear triggers fear in us, the lever pulled is understanding. Humans recognize vulnerability in others and can understand how they, too, might feel in the same situation. They may respond by thinking about what was lost by that person in the context of their own lives, as well as how that loss might be perceived; for instance, “I lost my job, therefore I am no longer of use to society.” In the second example, it’s that lack of understanding which, when increased, helps to decrease fear-based negative perceptions.

So what does that mean for those of us who, in day-to-day conversations, may feel immediately fearful in response to someone else’s expression of vulnerability? First, recognize it as a strength. Your ability to understand someone else’s situation and how they may feel is a key component of emotional intelligence and, more specifically, empathy. Second, remind yourself of the difference between the emotion and what’s objectively true. Feeling afraid is not the same thing as being in danger. Third, respond to the emotion being felt. Before responding to the individual’s story, attempt to first manage your nervous system by taking deep breaths, giving thanks, or relaxing tense parts of your body. And lastly, respond as you’d hope to be responded to in that situation. Start with something along the lines of: “I can’t imagine how you must feel.” This indicates an understanding of individual differences, as well as the complexity of human emotions. It doesn’t assume or sympathize; it empathizes. Then, offer support with options: “Can I sit with you? Bring you a cup of tea? Recommend a really solid therapist I know?”

Feeling fear in response to someone else’s vulnerable moment is not a sign of weakness. In fact, it’s a biological response to our very human need for connection. Indeed, it is a strength to be able to connect with others so deeply. To make this strength work for you, remember to see it for what it is, separate the emotion from the objective truth, and respond with care. 

Do you have a specific example of how fear and empathy relate? Feel free to share your story with me via email at textahealthcoach@gmail.com.